I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Randomize
