my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize
