she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Randomize
