Pants 0. Shit 1.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Randomize
