I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
