Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
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