Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Randomize
