i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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