No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize