I looked at my own cervix.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize