Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Randomize
