Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
i used baking grease as lip gloss
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
me + whiskey = a bad person
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
