Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
