Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize