I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
