I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Tornado booty call.. dedication
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
But break dance skills will only take you so far
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
I deserve this hangover.
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