the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
