I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I'm sorry that you just had your first misguided homo experience
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Randomize
