I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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