he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
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