my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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