So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Randomize