zippers are such a cool invention
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Shame - the story of my life.
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