But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
