My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Randomize
