just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Randomize