On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
