If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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