I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Is this like a preordered booty call?
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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