My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
