My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
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