I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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