We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
