I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Randomize
