the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Randomize
