I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
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