when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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