Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
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