If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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