cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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