grandma shit on top of the toilet
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
