so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
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