It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
