It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
