Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
