U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
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