I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
Randomize
