got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
