Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
