peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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