I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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