Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Randomize
