shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
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