Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
