If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
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