remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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