As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
