I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
