I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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