So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
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