Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
