Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
