when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Randomize
