He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
