I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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