I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
