believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
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