Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
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