Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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