You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
