Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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